RUSSIAN, FOREIGN MEDDLING (Revisited and revised)

A few months ago I wrote about Russian and foreign meddling in our election and how it was going to be the same in the 2020 elections. It was basically a story about how my ancestors came from Europe and made their way to America and got to the place of where I’m at today. If you didn’t figure it out at least half way through you know that I was writing what I hoped would be a homorous short story of the lineage of life.

At Christmas, thanks to my son and his bride, one of my wishes came true. They had gotten me a DNA test kit to find out my real heritage. I was beyond overjoyed at this since I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time. I know some people think that all that DNA testing stuff is a conspiracy of the government to drive this world toward its one world agenda. If it’s going to happen, and it will eventually, there is nothing that is going to stop it from happening.

I decided that my birthday, December 31st, would be a perfect time to do the test and put it in the mail. They informed me that it could take anywhere from 6-8 weeks to get the test results back. Now I felt like a kid at Christmas. I got up early on my birthday and the first thing I did, per the instructions in the packet, was to get enough saliva to fill up the little tube and seal it up in the bag to mail back. I almost missed getting it in the mail that day. As I stepped out the door to take the prepaid package to the mailbox our mail carrier was already at my box putting my mail in. I had to holler at her and run to meet her so I could get my DNA test sent in. Thankfully she saw me and was gracious enough to wait for me to get to her.

When I did get my DNA test results back I, probably like many others who do their DNA test, was expecting some results and totally shocked at others. There wasn’t any Russian in my ancestry DNA, which really didn’t surprise me. I wasn’t really expecting to have any Russian in me. But what I did have was 75% England, Wales and Northwestern European. That would include Germany, France, Belgium and all. No surprise there. I also have 21% Ireland and Scotland. No surprise there either. My mother’s mother, my grandmother, was very proud of her Irish and Scottish background. She was very familiar with it as was we because she always reminded us on March 17th, Saint Patrick’s Day, that our ancestors came from there.

What really surprised me though was the fact that 3% of my DNA was from Norway. A VIKING! Yes, a Northman. One of my most favorite shows on television is that show that comes on the History Channel, Viking. I should have known I had some connection to them. My wife and I talk about it all the time asking ourselves and each other if we had any Viking in us. Now I know it for a fact. I also know why my son and several of my nephews love to have them big scruffy beards. I’m thinking about growing me one if I can convince my loving bride that I would look cool with one. Since I’m a Viking and all you know. She still won’t let me (and yes, I’m whipped, but not for long. Wait until I tell you what else is in my lineage.)

I have always been very proud of my heritage. It was my upbringing. My parents and grandparents have taught us to be proud of where you come from. I know I’ve had family that fought on both sides of the Civil War and I’m very proud of all my heritage. Now that I know what my ancestry DNA looks like I’m even more proud than I was before. I’ve also got a lot more questions than I did before as well. If you added it all up you would see that I only talked about 99% of my DNA. Now the real shocker is the last 1%. When my wife and I looked at it together we were sitting at the table like I am now. She slammed her hand on the table and looked at me as I looked at her and all she could say was, “I knew it! I knew it!”

The 1% of genetic makeup that shocked my wife and I originated from the Cameroon, Congo and Southern Bantu People. So if you ever wonder what it would be like to cross a Viking with Tarzan you’re looking at him. So from this point forward I’m telling you for your own good you better not mess with me.  You wouldn’t want me to go all Viking/Tarzan on you would you?

Seriously, I am so much more curious now about my family history than ever before. I really want to know all about my heritage. There is nothing in the world about my family tree that I am not proud of. I’m sure there were a few I would cringe at but overall I am very, very happy and proud of my heritage and what my fathers and mothers went through so I can sit here today. I love each and everyone of them. I’ll be so proud to one day tell my grandchildren.

Now we proceed with the process of finding out who we are related to in history. My son is already finding a lot and he has just started.

Yep, that Viking in me is telling me I need to go and do my Polar Bear plunge again. Anybody up for one this weekend? Even if I’m not Russian, as a bona-fide foreigner I too again will be meddling in the next election.

Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward (Psalms 127:3 KJV)

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Russian (Foreign) Meddling

In 1347, 7 year-old Yuri Androminov moved with his family from Slavonia Russia to Livonia, which is now near modern day Ukraine. Ten years later when Yuri was 17 years old he left his family and moved to Poland. He met a young girl there by the name of Esmerelda Krakow, but he just called her Essie. She was very successful and she started a music group by the name of “The Essie Mays” because they played their first gig in the month of May. He was happy, she was happy. He loved Essie very much and he did everything he could when he could for Essie and made sure she was well taken care of.

Well Yuri and Essie had nine kids. Even though Essie was gone all the time singing and playing in concert halls only one of the kids actually looked like Yuri and that was the youngest one. Of course Essie had done quit traveling on the road so much by then and the band decided to take a break. Anyway, that youngest kid they named Yuri Essie Slavio Krakow Abrihim Androminov. That was their way of celebrating the last child being born between them and their new found faith in Christianity, of course Yuri was in his 80’s and Essie was in her late 70’s when he was born.

Okay, skip ahead another generation Yuri Essie Slavio Krakow Abrihim Adrominov, okay we’ll abbreviate his name from this point forward so no one will get confused, Yeskaa met a beautiful girl by the name of Harmonia Moon Starvensky, (And before you ask: yes her parents were hippies but back then they called them gypsies).

Anyway Yeskaa and Harmonia moved toward their ancestorial homeland of Mother Russia and settled in the little town of Washetonia the capital city of the district of Colonvaskia. But there was much unrest and all the lawmakers decided to make stupid laws and began taxing the colonist heavily. I mean the Colonvaskians heavily. (We ain’t made it to the colonies yet.) Anyway, it was getting harder and harder for Yeskaa and Harmonia to raise their fourteen children. The final straw for Yeskaa was when the leaders threatened to take away all the bows and arrows from normal everyday citizens like Yeskaa. He argued with the leaders that he wouldn’t have any way to hunt for food but they argued back that it’s not fair for the deer and antelope to have to eat berries and grass and no way to defend themselves. And if the deer and antelope have to eat berries and grass then so should we so they won’t get offended and all.

Well, Yeskaa and Harmonia had had enough and decided to pack up their little family of fifteen kids (Yea, they never did know where that fifteenth kid came from, he just showed up one day and never left. And yea, he was a meat eater too.) Anyway, they packed up and left for Germania to get away from all the turmoil. But even in Germania there was fighting and bickering amongst all the people. No one could get anyone to do anything and everyone blamed each other for the country being broke and they argued with the government because this group was getting more than that group so the government had to support all of them.

Well Yeskaa and Haromonia was getting on up in age and had to depend on the government but Germania didn’t have any money to give them so they were at the mercy of their children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great grandchildren, great-great-gre… well you get the picture. They was supported by family until they croaked.

So the great-great-great-great-great, oh not again, one of those many children moved to England and met a beautiful little Irish girl. They married, had children and so on and so forth. So times were getting hard in Jolly Old England. As a matter of fact it was getting so hard they quit calling it Jolly and just called it Old England. Later on they changed the name to Great Britain but the financial market crash was so bad they changed the name to Broke Britain.

This great-great-great, uh this guy and his beautiful Irish wife had four, yes four girls. Could you believe living in a household with five women? No wonder he stayed in the pub all the time. He was tired of having to work hard from paycheck to paycheck each week and so he and his wife decided to move to America. He was the only one on the whole ship that could stand up straight during the duration of their trip while they sailed to America. Huh, go figure. Maybe from the sway of the ship it just looked like he was standing up straight.  The oldest daughter stood on the  bow of the ship, held her arms out wide and shouted “I’m the queen of the world!” but she fell over and they couldn’t save her.

Anyway, the family settled in a suburb of New York in the Irish, German, Russian , Jewish side of town. You know because everyone kept to their lineage with their customs and everything like that.

Each one of the girls got married to a nice handsome fellow. Skip ahead a couple of generations and now all these families done had families and these families had families and so on and so forth.

Then all these kin folk got to bickering amongst themselves because someone said something about someone else to someone who told someone what someone said when someone said they didn’t say it. Well as you know one thing led to another and BOOM! They start fighting each other, I mean literally. Fightin’, shootin’, stabbin’ and blowing things up.

Well one day this pretty southern belle saw this handsome fellow and she smiled and winked at him and batted her eyelashes at him and put on a Barry White album and all that good stuff so he was smitten. And he didn’t want to fight anymore. So they decided to make love not war.

This couple had seven kids. Three boys, three girls and one Indian. Well, he had to come from somewhere down the line. Anyway, skip ahead a couple more generations. All these kids grow up and have families of their own and these families have families. Okay we done went over this.

Well then one day this young man meets a beautiful young lady. She was an only child so surely she and her family were rich and had plenty of money, or so he thought. Come to find out she didn’t but he married her anyway and they had five kids together.

So after the last one was born they decided that this one is the perfect child so they decided not to have anymore after me. I mean him. He grew up and when he turned eighteen it was time to register for the Selective Service and his father took him to the post office to register for the service then he took him to the courthouse to register to vote. And his father told him which political party to register for but while his dad wasn’t looking he registered for the other party.

So here we are in 2018 and the mid-term elections are looming and all I have been hearing about is how the Russians and foreigners have been meddling in our elections. So as a Russian, Polish, Gypsy, German, English, Anglo-Saxon, Irish, Yankee, Indian, Redneck southern I want to personally apologize for meddling in “YOUR” election but to forewarn you this November I will be meddling again and again in 2020.

Have a great day!